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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.