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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally