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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.