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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational post are hard.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.