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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, Iām picking your pockets.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"