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My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them