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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.