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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.