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I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!