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"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.