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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
So... Where does one obtain minions?
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.