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Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
This status is mine....I licked it.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”