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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.