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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.