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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?