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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.