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I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.