Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."