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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!
I fake my lol`s