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Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.