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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.