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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?