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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.