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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.