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I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
pudding... thats always a funny word
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.