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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
Why,does facebook want to make the likes one gets on their status like a story,like:peter and 500 others like this,click and see james and 499 others like this............
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.