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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.