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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?