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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.