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20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....