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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!