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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes