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If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Iām not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My pants are 75% off.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?