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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs