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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!