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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
I’m late for a disappointment.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.