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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
And then her mood ring just...exploded
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.