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Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..