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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Gym Update: Not there.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.