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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.