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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.