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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.