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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.