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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!