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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.