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I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.