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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am