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If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.