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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
I miss the life I planned in my head.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).