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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.