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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.