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i honestly hate saying sorry but when i do i really mean it :-)
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.