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I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
My life coach just benched me.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.