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I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.