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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.