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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…