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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.