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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
Iām jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team