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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....