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I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.