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Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?