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Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar