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I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.