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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.