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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen