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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
I get as much action as a white crayon.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.