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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?