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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married