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Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.