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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.