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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”