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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.