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"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.