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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
You look like I need another drink
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.