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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.