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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
Save time. See it my way.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters