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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.