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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.