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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!