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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.