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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.