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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!