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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Optimism? Sure, it`s worth a try. I don`t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.