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Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.