Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
I`m having an out of money experience.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.