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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever Iām making important life decisions.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. Iām so glad Iām not a crazy person.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.