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If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.