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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark