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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
when in Rome get naked ;)
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.