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I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.