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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
Facebook is like Chinese food. When you think you had enough, you want more.
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.