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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween