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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.