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i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”