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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
What about a To-Don`t List?
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.