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Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.