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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
My memory foam has amnesia
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.