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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
I`m perfect you adjust.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…