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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.