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FYI : My post aren`t directed at anyone in particular...so should anyone be offended by them, I say if the shoe fits ... Wear It!!!!!
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.