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Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..