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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!