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one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, β€œDid you forget your line?”
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.