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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
I wish bedtime was all the time.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
We think therefore we must be, but are we?
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.