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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.