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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because .. I love fishing. -LOL
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.