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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.