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There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
This century is already 15% over.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.