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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Share this if you are weird and don`t care
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.