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Procrastination comes to those who wait.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.