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I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
The only dates I get are updates.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
You had me at 0 mutual friends