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If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?