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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?