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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.