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Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver