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Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
I always advise people never to give advice.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.