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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?