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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.