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There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Hard butter is the devil.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.