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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?