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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.