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I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!