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Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.