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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.