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DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
My cardio is shopping.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.