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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
I order all my food with extra gluten.
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.