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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
I never finish anyth...............
Better late than pregnant.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...