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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.