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I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling