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Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-